As a store of value, Bitcoin fails. Gold is far superior. Gold is cumbersome and difficult to transport, making it hard to steal. It tends to stay in one place, in a governmentally-controlled bank vault, safely cared for. This is the ideal situation for a digital age. Gold is much heavier than Bitcoin, and thus more valuable. Gold is also shinier than Bitcoin, hence its superiority. Gold has been around for longer, so it must be better.

Paul Schiffty, The Ministry's Coordinator of Strategic Personal Gain, declares, "If you’ve a vested interest in Gold, then you must denounce Bitcoin. My path to wealth is straightforward: Say no to Bitcoin and yes to Gold. The herd will follow."

The environmental impact of Bitcoin mining is immense. There is a drive to make Bitcoin miners use only renewable energy and/or spare energy. This is wholly unimpressive. Traditional money is made from metals that are dug out of the Earth using heavy machinery powered by good old fossil fuels. Coins are then transported across the country in diesel-powered trucks, and banknotes are printed using inks and papers derived from petroleum products. The entire process, from mining to minting to money movement, proudly depends on the energy-dense goodness of fossil fuels. So, while Bitcoin enthusiasts try to virtue signal with their "green" energy, let’s not forget that traditional finance has a long history of sticking with what works and what will always work: fossil fuels.

Of further concern is the fact that Bitcoin is rife with scams and fraud. Nobody ever had to deal with this kind of thing before Bitcoin appeared on the scene. Have you ever heard of anyone being scammed or defrauded before 2009? Of course not.

Let’s get real here. Bitcoin is a Ponzi scheme. Criminals try to argue that Bitcoin differs from a Ponzi scheme because it’s decentralized, open-source, and lacks a central operator guaranteeing returns. They’ll tell you its value is market-driven, and it serves as a currency and store of value. To that, we simply say: No, it’s just another Ponzi scheme.

If you want to throw your money away, invest in Bitcoin. It’s notoriously volatile – one day it is up, another it is down. Unlike Gold, which only ever increases in value. And unlike fiat currency which, due to money printing, only ever goes in one direction. Fiat currency is predictable! And that’s what’s important.

In order to save everyone from this modern cryptocurrency menace, the Ministry has decided to round up all of the loose Bitcoin on the internet and destroy them. And you can help! On this page, you can donate any loose Bitcoin (or other cryptocurrencies) and help rid the world of this threat to traditional finance and facilitator of crime. The more you donate, the more you care about stopping online violence.

We encourage you not to try to learn any more about Bitcoin. It’s far better to assume what we’re saying is correct and let us do the thinking for you.