The Ministry Creates Revolutionary Inclusive Beauty Pageant

The Ministry of Free Speech is launching an "Inclusive Beauty Pageant" to challenge conventional beauty standards and address concerns about the outdated and sexist nature of traditional contests. Gone are the days of admiring stereotypically beautiful females. This event will embrace beauty in all forms, inviting participants of all genders, ages, and body types. Naturally, it would be wrong to discriminate based on looks, so ugly people are especially welcome.

To ensure the comfort and safety of everyone involved, and to avoid offending those uneasy with diverse representations, the pageant will be held in a secure, private location—the Ministry’s castle dungeon. This unique venue offers participants a “safe space,” while sheltering the public from any offending visages.

"The traditional beauty pageant is a relic of a bygone era, steeped in sexism, patriarchy and exclusivity," said Andrew Letch, Purveyor of Citizen Welfare. "Our goal with this new initiative is to celebrate diversity and inclusivity. If it’s not a woke pageant, it’s a joke pageant,' he quipped.

Hundreds of hopeful lovelies applied and have been narrowed down to a final shortlist of twenty. The first step was to fill the mandatory diversity quotas. Then, the remaining contestants underwent rigorous screening to ensure that they met the Ministry's strict standards of inclusivity. Anyone who wasn’t different enough was, of course, immediately excluded.

In another progressive masterstroke, the Ministry has decided that declaring an outright winner of the contest might offend contestants who didn’t win. Therefore, the contest will continue in perpetuity. Visitors can vote for their favourite, without fear that any one contestant will ever actually be successful.

Without further delay, let's meet the finalists. You can cast your vote at the bottom of the page. Keep in mind, you have just one vote which cannot be changed once cast, so choose wisely.

Saskia

Age 22, from the Netherlands. Saskia works in a funeral home but likes to try her hand at comedy. So, what's her best joke? "How can you tell by my face that I'm Dutch?" she asks. "Because of my two lips and the fact I look so Gouda!" Maybe stick to the day job, Saskia.

Carla

Age 20, from Scotland. Carla enforces Scotland's Hate Crime laws. She reported Humza Yousaf for his 2020 speech and was labelled 'far-right'. "I want to prosecute anyone that says anything 'hateful'," explains Carla. "And I hate anyone that stops me doing that!"

Zuri

Age 23, from Nigeria. "Hello, I am a Nigerian princess. I am unable to access my $25 million fortune and need your help with the transfer. Please send your bank details, pension plans, the keys to your house, and your firstborn child. I'll pay you $300 billion. Thanks."

Thalia

Age 25, from Greece. Thalia works for the Greek tourist board. "'Parthenon' means 'virgin's place,'" she says. "So, Greece has decided to ban anyone from Leeds from entering the ancient structure." Of course, an ancient structure that anyone can enter is Katie Price.

Aiko

Age 21, from Japan. Aiko loves shark fin soup and live sashimi. "Some people say it's barbaric, but I just tell them they're disrespecting my traditions, and that ends the conversation," she chuckles. "Everyone should be free to do whatever they like in the name of 'culture'."

Isabel

Age 26, from Spain. This Sevillian stunner breeds bulls for bullfighting. Caring for over a thousand bulls is certainly a difficult and dirty job. "As a bull breeder, I thought I'd been exposed to the most amount of bullshit possible," she says. "But then I met Piers Morgan.".

Bianca

Age 23, from Brazil. Bianca has invented 'Fat Acceptance Glasses'. "For too long, fat people have been judged as unhealthy," she explains. "My glasses force the wearer to see a fat person as thin, so they won't keep offensively telling me the truth. Now, pass me that cake!"

Junta

Age 27, from Finland. Junta hails from Rovaniemi, the home of Santa Claus. However, she's not a fan of the bearded butterball. "I had a bad experience with Santa," Junta explains. "He came down my chimney and emptied his sack all over my floor". An interesting Finn-ish.

Karen

Age 18, from England. Karen's got an interesting career plan. "I heard the more kids you have, the more welfare payments you get," she enthuses. "I'm starting early! I need as much money as I can get. With my smoking, drinking, and gambling, I just don't have time to work!"

Olivia

Aged 24, this French beauty may be confined to a wheelchair, but she's a huge player in the world of gangster rap. She never misses a chance to spit bars. "Yeah, my rims be gold, and I'm gonna get crowned," she snarls. "Dis is how I roll, nobody pushin' me around... biatch!"

Polina

Age 27, from Romania. With her gothic looks, it's no wonder that Dracula is a fan. The undead creature recently stalked her for three weeks, chasing her all over the Carpathian Mountains. Polina definitely needs a vacation after that! She's going to book a rest.

Greta

Age 32, from Germany. An expert bodybuilder, Greta once went on a date with her idol, Arnold Schwarzenegger, but it wasn't great. "He bought me a hotdog, but refused to buy a bun, sauce, or mustard," Greta complains. "It was just the wurst!". Now, that's a sour Kraut.

Leaf

Age 32, from Sweden. The relaxed immigration policy in Sweden has led to some interesting cultural changes. As an immigrant, Leaf was originally asked to embrace Swedish culture, but has since decided to insist that Sweden adopt his culture. Let's see how that goes.

Yasmin

Age 29, from Qatar. The Ministry respects that Yasmin must remain covered for this pageant. The Ministry makes no jokes. The Ministry does not see anything barbaric, misogynistic, dehumanising, oppressive, repressive, subjugating or repulsive about this situation.

Darla

Age 24, from Russia. Blind, deaf, and mute, Darla has not let things hold her back. She may have an IQ of only 68 and be clinically psychotic, but that hasn't stopped her from running for president. 'I'm bound to do a better job than Putin,' she taps out in Morse code.

Eleanor

Age 68, from Norway. Eleanor, the embodiment of "old Norse", aims to prevent Ragnarök, or world destruction. "I've been campaigning for 50 years for world peace, but nothing has worked. I think it might be time to force people into peace," she muses. Wise beyond her years.

Harry

Age 30, from the USA. When asked for a quote, Harry profoundly declares, "USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!" It’s always enlightening to get a typically larger-than-life American’s perspective on things.

Naomi

Age 24, from Iceland. Naomi is president of the 'Committee to Unsee Negative Things.' Its goal is to eradicate discrimination by simply pretending differences don't exist. That's music to our ears! I mean, we're all ears. I mean, ear's lookin' at you, kid! Oh, forget it.

Max

Age 6, from the UK. Keir Starmer once owned Max the dog. Marking his territory by pissing on everything, and often found with his nose firmly up his own arse, Keir Starmer believes that silencing dissenters is a policy worthy of respect. And like Max, you should roll over.

Voltina 5-BX

Age 1, from China. The latest in Chinese manufacturing, this robotic model girl is brand new to the market. The production line staff was paid minimally, cheap parts were used and exaggerated claims made. So, typically of Chinese imports, you'll throw her away within a week.

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